“Your recipe for my world—its cruelty is repugnant or its / benignity is like”
No phone in bed, I know. But could you pass me my phone? Check the clock, see half an hour and lift, or don’t, or do. But do you think he’s going to die? Wipe down the screen, front to back, dry on pant leg, wonder is that useless, still. Door handle, outside, inside, screen door, light switch, light switch, fridge door, cabinet handles, faucet, doorknob at the back. I mean like he definitely could. Dig for the aux cord. Type jep, type succe, type v, type se. Type NBA again, again, again, again, again. Hover your hand over the button, try to make it light. Try every type of pressure. Slide the switch, then pull it back.
Put it in the sink and run it under cool water until it soaks all the way through. Did anyone get number three? The hilarious upswing of the doctor’s Oh hi! on the phone, like he’s shocked every time. Unfolding the stepladder, folding it back. One hand over the heart, the other over that one, try to find it. One two three four one two three four five six seven one two three four five six seven eight one two three four. Okay friends, today we’re going to start in a comfortable seat. Put your hands up against the low ceiling. Trail your fingertips above that one spot on your skull. Feel it light up a little. Try to exhale.
Name, apartment number, name?, apartment number?, okay I’ll call, hello, Emma’s here to see you, yup thanks okay Emma you can head up thanks you’re welcome thank you. Standing exactly on top of the circle. Pressing DOOR CLOSE with your elbow. The humiliating dreamlike thing of seeing your hair from the back, full-on, multiplied out across the infinite mirrors. Pushing the heavy door with your shoulder. Clear afternoon light in the bedroom. I thought tennis was over! Hooked rug with the boat and the waves. Yellow folder. Poster with the big whale, with the houses in the snow, with old Toronto, with the old house out of town. Tapping the scale once with your toes flexed straight out or your heel. Press mute and plug in kettle, press the power down. A little milk, a little more for me.
Pulling the chain that pulls the blinds down. Unknotting the curtain. Preheating the oven and singing along when it hits. Shakira wherever whenever karaoke. Running the dustbuster into the corner. Sifting through cat shit like panning for gold. Phone, favourites, Grandma Home. Phone, favourites, Mum. Playlists, RIDING FOR THE FEELING, shuffle. Heart emoji with the sparkles, sunglasses guy, praying hands, sunflower. I’m so sorry, my brain is truly just like a sieve right now. Holding the cat’s chin in your fingers like a guy holding an apple in a painting or a lover in a fight in an old movie. Soaking the cotton pad, dipping the Q-tip in water. Uh-oh, I got too stoned. Who’s winning?
Clothes pile, cat toy, floorboard, doorknob. Unroll the yoga mat and pull it back along the bare floor. Legs up the wall against the mirror. Pressing your heels into the glass, think maybe I should find a different place to do this every time. Putting the airpods in, right, left, waiting for the sound, shaking your head for safety. Pressing play, the pencil into the paper. Pick a complimentary colour, fill it in. Do the outline. Am I tired yet? No and no and maybe by the half hour. At the end of every episode, watching the little countdown clock. Breathing along to it. Missing the end of the joke to let the next one play.
In the morning alone singing the song to yourself, like trying to do the bass somehow, impossibly, sounding unhinged. In the afternoon passing by Carlo’s office, hearing him quietly singing the same to himself as he types, staring forward into the monitor. Passing it back and forth between you like this all day, each day, for weeks and weeks and weeks to come.
A couple pet updates real quick:
Oh my god remember that time I met a dog named Embassy? The other day I realized he lives in the apartment right across the alley from me and I realized it because he was watching me trying and failing to jump rope (to “get some cardio in”) and barking his head off like HEY WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT IT LOOKS DUMB and you know what? He was correct:
Also here’s Minky in a basket during zoom trivia night:
Something longer to listen to:
Jimmy Butler on the JJ Redick podcast a few months ago.
&&&:
Carlo’s basketball corner:
Sue Bird's Best AST And Buckets From WNBA Finals (October 6, 2020)