Okay so hi, right now I’m working on really finishing my terrible book and I kind of figured I wasn’t going to have time to write another one of these until I handed it in next week, but I just spent a couple hours on a little personal project that I wanted to share with you. This email isn’t gonna have any of the other stuff I usually include, but also it kind of IS the other stuff, if you know what I mean.
Tonight I sat down at my desk at 11:46PM after watching 2 episodes of Law & Order with Carlo. I promised myself I’d do a little more work before I went to bed, so of course now I am searching youtube for covers of the Law & Order theme song. Actually what I searched first, what I am deeply craving, is like a Law & Order theme song Shreds style cover, or I’d settle for someone doing one of those recorder/melodica/shitty flute things in that style that for some reason makes me feel like the way I imagine a dog feels when you rub its belly.
The first few returns on my search for “Law and Order Recorder” are not very good, which bodes poorly for my chances. Usually if these things exist they show up pretty fast. I do find something slightly different when I scroll a little further down, though: a guy doing the theme on bass guitar. Some things I love about this video are: The way the guy has the voice going before he even appears onscreen, the quality of the lip sync, the shape of his bass, the way it lacks any kind of pedal or effects, how the volume is not really up that high, the CD tower in behind him. This video was uploaded in 2015. Were we still doing a lot of CDs back then? I’m into it. Another thing I like is that you can tell this guy genuinely loves the song and is proud of the fact that he’s playing it, even though he’s being a little self-consciously goofy. It seems like maybe that’s a protective mechanism, which I completely understand. I am thoroughly charmed by this person, this video, and his decision to put it on the internet. People in the comments really want to know where they can get a bass tab for the theme, which I also like. It is a sincere place, this video. Everyone is having a nice time here.
I go back to the search results and get momentarily sidetracked by a related video called Law & Order Full Theme (High Quality). The description says “Since no one else on YouTube seems to have a high quality version of this song, I have taken it upon myself to spend the appropriate $0.99 and post the highest quality version of the greatest television theme that the world has ever known…” and because my brain is broken the only thing I can think is that this would all be an amazing setup for a shitty cover fakeout. I click it with high hopes. But it really is just the Law & Order Full Theme (High Quality). Bummer. The comments, however, are rewarding:
Further down in my original search results there is a video that I approach with trepidation because of its title: Law and Order Theme Cover (BAD). What should you expect when someone gives you this warning up front? I am suspicious. The description doesn’t help; it just says “It's my amazing cover, yo.” The person in it looks young, like maybe early teens? This really could go any direction! But once I press play I am pleasantly surprised. I don’t actually think this is a (BAD) cover at all. The percussion is inventive and the vocals are frankly amazing. Again, I am curious about why someone might upload a video like this to the internet. The end makes me feel the same way the bass cover felt - like maybe this person’s feelings about the song are so strong and sincere they felt compelled to make this video, but they’re not so blind that they can’t see it’s a bit of a risk. The comments are turned off, which adds a little depth and complexity.
Up until this point I have avoided watching the top video on the results page, something called “Law&Order SVU Theme Song Cover”. That’s fine on its own, but the description makes me feel not great:
“Welcome to Goulash!
Here's a skit a shot with some of my friends here in Buffalo, NY!
I hope you have a laugh!
And YES this is really us playing!!
[...]
Yes, this is us REALLY playing!”
...but now that I’m really going down this road it feels silly to only go halfway. I know that if I do not watch this video I will go to bed wondering if maybe it contained the sweet sound I’m craving. So I click, and honestly from the jump I am unhappy I made this decision. The opening shot is of a sign for a bar called “NEITZSCHE’S.” When I check the play bar I see that the video is only two minutes and 36 seconds long, but six seconds in I feel like I have been watching it for an hour. Then the acting starts. I am mildly charmed by the vibe between the drummer and the wispy vibraphone guy but the dude between them has GOT to go. Also those untrimmed guitar strings are giving me panic!!! By the 1:12 mark I am literally BEGGING to be released from this video but then they start playing and it’s… fine, I guess. If they took the intro and the credits out of this video and shot it with a cellphone in a different kind of bar maybe I would be into it. The fact that there’s a fan blowing I am on the fence about. Honestly I think the primary reason I hate this video is that there is not really anything funny about only being able to express your love for the Law & Order theme song in this kind of way, like it’s some kind of joke. Everyone loves this song; it’s not inherently funny to love it. This video really chaps my hide!!!
At this point I’m just going down the list of results, watching my hopes dwindle away. This is an Australian? Scottish??? guy giving a lesson on how to play it on the piano. His vibe is not exactly where I’m personally at, emotion- or energy-wise, but he does say the song is amazing a lot, and in general it helps wash the taste of the last one out of my mouth. After that there are a few other boring regular guitar covers, which I appreciate but are not particularly thrilling, and another weird sketch comedy video where everyone eats pizza and does “random” shit while pretending to play it. These videos also bother me because they suggest that the best way to make the Law & Order theme song funny is to do wacky shit while it is playing. THE BEST WAY TO MAKE THE LAW & ORDER THEME SONG FUNNY IS TO PLAY IT VERY BADLY!!!! IF YOU CAN’T DO THAT FOR ME THEN WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE?
At this point it has been about an hour I am beginning to despair of ever finding the video I need. It is like an itch I can’t scratch, even though I am not even entirely sure what I’m looking for? Has this ever happened to you? The incurable brain disease of needing to experience a meme that does not yet actually exist?
About once every few months, usually when I get deep into watching a particular show, I form a relationship with one of its structural quirks that makes me yearn for an online archive. When we watched the Sopranos I spent MINUTES searching in vain for an Instagram account dedicated to Tony’s shirts. I would have even settled just for the fashion on the show in general. I’m still mad it doesn’t exist! (Or I’m assuming it still doesn’t, at least.) When I retire from my lucrative poetry career there are a couple Alex Trebek-based supercuts I plan to compile, because for years I have been wishing someone would make them. Sometimes you can manifest these things with the sheer force of your desire, like how one time a few years ago, Carlo was watching the O.J. Lifetime show with a friend and was like “I wish someone would make a supercut of all the times David Schwimmer says ‘Juice’ on this show” and his friend was like “Wow yes absolutely” and then made that supercut. This, to me, is the dream.
But sometimes there is no one in your life who is going to make the stupid video you crave, at least not immediately, and you just have to accept that. This is what I am thinking about when I get to Law and Order Theme but it gets faster. Sometimes you just have to accept what you have and be grateful for it. At this point it’s like 1am and the Law & Order Theme Song Medley seems like as good a closing time anthem as any. This video is actually very fucking crazy and listening to it makes me feel like I am on drugs. Even though it is not what I was originally looking for I feel pleased and satisfied with the journey I have taken; I’ve moved from anger and sadness at what I wasn’t able to find to acceptance and gratitude about what I found along the way. I have learned a lot, and I have successfully put off working until tomorrow, which doesn’t exactly make me feel good but it doesn’t exactly make me feel not good either.
Then, just as I go to close the window, I find one last video. I don’t even really think before I click on it; it’s just a reflex more than anything else. Or maybe I am guided in that moment by some deeper, buried instinct - something further away from my conscious mind, more tuned in to a different frequency. Sometimes that part of you takes over when it counts; sometimes you find exactly what you need.