now that i've seen all of it i have but one seinfeld opinion to share
NOT ENOUGH ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Homesickness pt. 2 - Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guebrou
“So I can wash my hair. Dignify the world by being beautiful or / seriously ugly.”
Hello:
I felt relief, I think. I made a birthday cake that looked like it had been sculpted by a talented child. I had to frost it with corner-store icing because before that I’d tried making some in the blender and accidentally splintered in a whole wooden spoon. I tried watching Jeopardy! but after about twenty seconds I started sobbing uncontrollably and Carlo was like I definitely should have guessed this was going to happen. I felt bad about not working, bad about my cooking, bad about my eating, my walking, my working, my sleep, my time, my mind. Sometimes I would remember all the things my body could do and then I’d have the thought Yeah, no thanks to me. But still, I’d remember. I watched the couple in the condos across the lane use their brand new climbing wall together. I watched the man setting up his heavy jump ropes. I mouthed hello to dogs who could not see my mouth under the mask. I snapped and then apologized for snapping. I finished my mother’s birthday present and biked down Bloor to show it to my grandmother, who gasped when she saw it. I felt like a kid. On my way home I got stuck behind a unicyclist in the curbed-off for like ten blocks.
I googled dark spots on maple leaves and it said don’t worry they’re just a cosmetic issue. I watched a squirrel steal and eat an entire slice of Domino’s pizza from an outdoor children’s birthday party. There was still green on the ground, still some yellow in the trees. I had the whole grocery store to myself. I finished Seinfeld. I beat Carlo at Scrabble. Both cats fell asleep on top of me. I had to skip trivia. I learned how to keep a fire alive. I was scared of it at first but eventually I got kinda used to it. I assembled an ikea mirror. I felt, a few times, so frightened I could barely speak. I had one really really really bad day. I had to buy a new front light and almost cried when the guy told me it cost $10. I listened once a week to something called self_compassion_long_cleaned_by_Dan.mp3. I facetimed with Layne and she showed me all the colours and shapes she’s been working with, reflecting light like nothing I had ever seen before. I made progress on the book but still worried about the deadline. I checked the likes, checked who read it. I felt the buildup of missed obligations pressing at the back of my skull. I went to my father’s house and bounced on the trampoline so hard I lost my necklace. I said I’m so sorry I have a family thing and each time it was entirely true. I found a small wooden box on the street and when I opened it up there was a tiny metal pet tag with the word DUDE on it. Doro said it seemed like a good omen. I saw a dad band playing Black Sabbath in the street with leaves swirling all around them like someone had staged it. I reread the emails from my editor, my agent. I pictured myself on an exercise bike. I half-read some book with my legs resting up against the wall until I couldn’t feel my feet. I honestly was doing pretty well for someone with zero motivation. I walked to the community centre and checked out all the fonts. I appreciated the way the pool looked from above but when the lifeguard waved at me I got kinda freaked out. I eavesdropped on a rich couple in the rich people’s plant store; they bought $600 worth of trees. I stopped bringing my wallet out of the house. I tried to remember about warming up. I lifted the cat off the kitchen table one hundred billion times. I chased a black squirrel out of the straw mulch. I entertained the idea of giving myself a fucking break. My grandmother asked me what my new project was going to be. Don’t let it drop, she said. You’re on to something good. I kept playing that sentence over and over in my head the next day at the craft store while I walked up and down the yarn aisles, stoned and marvelling at the colours, working hard to not touch anything I didn’t need.
Here are two pictures of Minky in baskets:
&&&:
Carlo’s Basketball Corner:
I can hear that he’s in a meeting right now so this one’s me. Around this time last year I came up with a truly excellent warm-up for days when I didn’t really ever want to write anything, like a way of easing myself into being at my desk, which was that before I could start working I had to watch one really good highlight reel of excellent passing from an NBA or WNBA player and then write at least a page about it. Someday we can talk about my obsession with passing if you want. Anyway I stumbled across that document recently while I was looking for something else and it made me want to do it again and also the day I did Steve Nash was like six pages long. Steve Nash’s Nastiest Assists!